*Healthy Relationships

Healthy relationships depend on well-maintained respect and boundaries. When one, the other, or both are neglected, a relationship can become unhealthy. One way to understand the type of relationship you’re in – healthy or unhealthy – is to assess your feelings. Do you feel safe being yourself, accepted for who you are, and respected by your intimate partner or friend? Or do you feel anxious, uncertain, and unsafe in the relationship? If you said “yes” to this second question,  you’ve likely experienced an unhealthy relationship. This blog is written to help you learn how to choose the relationships you participate in by knowing the beauty of your identity and your past, and by examining your current relationships and your boundaries. 

Your Identity 

Knowing your identity can be difficult. We often define ourselves based on what we think others think about us, our perceived failings, or society’s standards for who we should be. But knowing who we actually are is essential to developing and maintaining healthy relationships — we want to be loved for who we are, not for versions of ourselves we present to satisfy others. Nurturing a realistic and positive view of yourself is key to being authentically you in your relationships. 

Understanding your worth is also key. We often imagine our worth as being limited; if we “lose” too much of it by messing up too many times or having too much trauma, we eventually end up worthless. To the contrary, your worth is stable. No matter how many times you mess up or are hurt by someone else, your value never declines. Nothing you do can change the fact that you are priceless. You may not always feel priceless, but you are and always will be. 

Your Past

Exploring your past will help you move forward in your relationships. It may feel better to forget your past, but digging through it will help you recognize how your unique experiences influence who you are today. Maybe you grew up in a dysfunctional family and feel unable to behave in a way that isn’t dysfunctional. Or maybe you think you’ve experienced “too much” trauma to ever deserve love. The truth is, you have the power to change how you view and tell your story. Will you choose to see your past through a lens of fear, or of love? Remember, your broken pieces don’t make you weak; they make you uniquely you and tell a story of strength and resilience. 

Your Relationships

Self-care is one of the first steps in building positive relationships. By taking care of your needs, you’ll be able to show up for your partner or friend in ways they need. Self-care isn’t selfish and it doesn’t require a lot of your time. Simply find something you enjoy doing and commit to doing it for your sake, as well as for the sake of your relationships. 

Once you’ve started caring for yourself, you’ll be able to better evaluate your relationships. Are the boundaries you’ve implemented being maintained? Or are they in a state of disrepair? Have you experienced harm in the relationship and now no longer feel safe? In romantic relationships, setting boundaries can help pave the relationship’s success. Having a firm emotional foundation based on mutual trust makes a later and gradual progression to sexual intimacy much healthier than progressing immediately to sexual intimacy before setting emotional boundaries. 

When repairing relationships that have, for whatever reason, become unhealthy, first identify the issue. Then, constructively communicate to your partner how you feel about the issue. This may involve acknowledging that you hear your partner’s point of view, using language that takes the blame off your partner (e.g., say, “I felt hurt when you said or did _____,” and not “You made me feel ____”), and taking breaks to help you cool down when the heat of the argument is too much to handle. Finally, decide on a mutual solution to moving forward. Even if you agree to disagree, ensure you have a plan with which both you and your partner feel comfortable progressing. 

Your Boundaries

Setting boundaries is the best way to ensure your values are maintained in your relationships. There are many different types of boundaries, each of which is important to you and those with whom you have relationships: physical, emotional, sexual, intellectual/mental, material/financial, time, and digital. The boundaries you set for one person may not apply for another. A friend who is close to you, for example, may be permitted to access more of you than, say, someone who is merely an acquaintance. When setting boundaries with romantic partners, consider: what you’re hoping to achieve by setting the boundary, starting by setting ‘small’ boundaries to avoid feeling overwhelmed, and communicating clearly why the boundaries you’ve set are important to you. 

Setting boundaries can be tricky, especially when you have distorted thought patterns that make you feel as though you have to compromise your boundaries in order to be loved, or in order to prevent being abandoned by your friend or partner. Setting boundaries is, however, essential to healthy relationships, as is maintaining those boundaries by calmly stating consequences you’re willing to enforce if your friend or partner crosses the boundaries you’ve set. 

Your Future

Maybe you think that healthy relationships are beyond your grasp; that no matter how hard you try to overcome your hurt and heartache, you will never be “worthy” or “whole” enough to pursue healthy relationships with others. In reality, healthy relationships always take work, regardless of a person’s past. But by considering your identity, past, relationships, and boundaries, and taking small steps forward to move beyond your pain, you’ll have already begun the work it takes to experience the joy of healthy relationships. If you’d like support working through this journey, we are here for you. Contact us today at info@norfolkpc.org or 519-428-2177.  

Written by Grace Nunn

*This blog contains content adapted from Pregnancy Care Canada’s manual Connected: How to Establish and Maintain Healthy Relationships.